New trend: The Sitting Shirt

Athletic clothes aren't just for working out anymore.

Athletic clothes aren’t just for working out anymore.

I feel like it’s my civic duty to provide a safe place for everyone reading this issue who loves to sit. I love sitting. Sitting is my favorite. So when people get excited about fitness and sportliness, I get a little cranky and sink deeper into my spot on the couch.

Last year at Ross I accidentally bought a running shirt. It was an honest mistake. I saw a cute cowl-necked tunic on the clearance rack and went in for a closer look. It was cozy and adorable and as I went to make it mine, I realized that it had these odd stripes in several key areas and a little zippered pouch for…raisins?

In horror I made the connection that this adorable cowl-necked tunic was in fact a Running Shirt. The odd stripes were reflector strips to keep runners safe when trotting down the road at 5:00 a.m. like crazy people who should be at home in bed. And the zippered pouch was to hold an iPod for playing music to distract you from the fiery pain emanating from your extremities.

It was too late. The shirt was in my hand and I loved it. I tried it on and it fit me perfectly. It was happening. I was buying a running shirt.

When I wore it for the first time, I sensed its disappointment in me. It wanted to move faster, longer, but I simply wanted to shift slightly on the couch while binge-watching The Walking Dead.

I stared guiltily at the zippered pouch and shoved my Nerds box into it. There, pouch. Are you happy? You’re holding something.

The thumbholes were especially exciting, and I could see why runners loved them as I reached for the popcorn and my sleeves stayed put around my wrists. I think runners were on to something.

I posted a photo of my shirt online and a bunch of magazines for runners started following me on Twitter. What the actual heck.

I decided the shirt wasn’t the problem. The assumed functionality of the shirt was the problem. It needed to rebrand. So I called it my Sitting Shirt.

It’s a thing. The Sitting Shirt is designed for all your sitting needs. The functionality meets all the requirements and stresses of sitting for long periods. For professional sitters such as myself, it’s a must-have piece of equipment, up there with a chair and a fluffy pillow.

Its stylish cowl design catches excess snack material as it falls from your hands from bowl to lips, ensuring minimal food waste and maximum calorie intake. The aforementioned thumbholes keep sleeves from slipping while gesticulating wildly at the TV when your favorite character appears to have been eaten by zombies. The zippered pouch holds a standard-sized box of Nerds or one deck of cards for impromptu games of Solitaire, in case of suspension of your Netflix account or power outage.

My Sitting Shirt is awesome and has dramatically upped my sitting game. If they gave out belts for sitting, I think I’d be a full black belt by now. But I wouldn’t wear it, because it would feel all bindy around my waist.

So if you’re surrounded by fitness and exercise and people getting excited about protein and whey, you can be way assured that sitting is a valid lifestyle choice. And now we have performance wear.