What every good hostess knows

As the holidays quickly approach and the leaves begin to turn, many of us open our doors to family and friends to celebrate. We stock the fridge, pull out the roasting pan and dress the table to gather loved ones around us from far and near.

If the gathering occurs around your hearth, under your roof, or on your back deck, you have willingly taken on one of the oldest roles known to mankind – that of “the host”. For some, this role is easy and comes quite naturally. For others, hospitality is a challenge that breeds anxiety and stress.

Regardless of where you fall on the hospitality spectrum, chances are that sometime in the next two months, you will have an opportunity to open your doors or to extend your table in some way. When you do, measure your success as host through one lens: how warm and welcome do your guests feel?

As the host, of course, you are responsible for the flow of conversation–at least initially—and for helping your guests to feel welcome and at ease. You set the dynamic. You are the one who “attends” your guests. If you want your guests to feel warm and at ease in your home, remember these simple truths:

Keep it simple. When our schedules are jam-packed with work, grocery shopping, cleaning and kid’s activities, it is important to keep things easy. Stick to one-dish meals that can be made ahead of time. This doesn’t mean you have to serve a bland, tasteless pot roast. One of my company favorites is a spicy seafood gumbo paired with a green salad and crusty French bread. If you don’t have the time or resources to cook for the crowd, make it potluck.

Plan ahead. Give yourself more time than you need. Get as much ready as you can ahead of time so you can chat with your guests when they arrive. Always check your recipes to see what can be done ahead and frozen, or chilled and then warmed at the last minute. Once guests arrive; remember that less fuss with food makes room for more time with people.

Make guests feel useful. Most people will ask if they can help. Take them up on it. Some people might balk at this idea, but in my experience I notice that guests completely relax when given a job. I ask guests to pour the water, slice the bread, or move a few chairs from the kitchen into the dining room. This gives everyone a tangible alternative to standing around, waiting and feeling anxious.

Find a way to keep the conversation flowing. Invite your children or housemates to help you talk with your guests to keep the conversation going. Find commonalities among guests to get them talking to each other so that they can have sustained conversations when you leave the room. Ask a great ??open-ended question that will spark an interesting discussion. One of my favorite dinner parties was one in which my husband and I left the room to clean up a bit. The two guests we left behind did not know each other at the beginning of the evening. As we rinsed and loaded the dishes, the muffled sounds of laughter and table slapping indicated to us that our guests had hit it off. They had become totally independent and no longer needed our conversational prodding.

Create an order for the evening. Have a sense of what you would like the guests to do when they first arrive. Sometimes just putting out a plate of crackers and cheese and grapes sets the tone of, “pull up a chair, have a snack and chat until I am ready…” As you serve the dinner, be mindful of the moment, but think toward dessert. Turn on the coffee pot or tea kettle and, as guests are lingering over conversation at the table, consider whether moving into the living room would make everyone more comfortable, or whether that would disrupt the flow of conversation. Remember to keep the flow of the evening in the forefront of your mind. Some of the best hosts in the world –Benedictine monks–consider every meal a small act of liturgy. Don’t balk at the idea of directing a little, with a gentle touch of a beginning, middle and end. Your guests won’t mind.

Be flexible. If the gumbo turns out too spicy, or if someone develops an allergic reaction to the shellfish, be ready to call for a pizza or throw some pasta in the pot. If you make a big fuss about the mishap, your guests will surely feel it. Remember that while you set the tone, sometimes that tone needs to be transposed.

Finally, set one extra seat. In the tradition of many cultures of by-gone eras, be ready for a sojourner. Invite the newly divorced neighbor. The elderly woman from church who is probably eating by herself for the sixth time this week. The holidays are lonely times for many – and this deep recession surely makes it worse for many neighbors and acquaintances who would love an invitation to dinner.

Remember that ultimately, hospitality is a gift. It is not a talent or a skill set. Hospitality is a gift you share – with others. It may require risk, but it’s well worth it. Just by opening your door, you may give someone the best holiday gift of the season.